


Empty Words in Desperation

by GreenRogue



Series: In All their Angsty Hurt [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol, Angry Sam Winchester, Castiel is bad with words, Drinking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Late Night Conversations, Nice Gabriel (Supernatural), Post-Episode: s13e21 Beat the Devil, Sam Winchester is So Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 03:50:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21009263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenRogue/pseuds/GreenRogue
Summary: Look, Sam, I was used by Lucifer too. It was the worst possible violation. So I-I’m not taking your reluctance lightly, but he is already out there, and we’ve been ignoring it and avoiding dealing with him because we’re afraid—We let Lucifer out of the Cage, and he has never stopped being our responsibility.**Coda to SPN S13E21 Beat the Devil - Sam has a late-night convo with our favorite Archangel





	Empty Words in Desperation

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own SPN or their characters, I just like to play with them.
> 
> I wrote this instead of going to bed on time. I think I beta'd it fine but if you find any errors please let me know. Happy reading!

* * *

_Look, Sam, I was used by Lucifer too. It was the worst possible violation. So I-I’m not taking your reluctance lightly, but he is already out there, and we’ve been ignoring it and avoiding dealing with him because we’re afraid—We let Lucifer out of the Cage, and he has never stopped being our responsibility._

Sam’s head hurt. It had been pounding ever since he walked away from Cas and Dean in the kitchen, the angel’s words reverberated in his skull like a jack hammer, pounding away at the slivers of sanity he has clung to for so many years.

_It was the worst possible violation_

Sam scoffed to himself, taking another swig of the whiskey. The bottle was half gone by this point, his stomach rolled at the taste and his faced scrunched up in disgust but he persisted. His mind had turned dark by the time Cas had finished his little rally speech. Anger had coursed through his veins but shame and fear stayed his tongue.

_We’ve been ignoring it and avoiding dealing with him because we are afraid_

Sam couldn’t count the number of ways Castiel was wrong. He wasn’t avoiding, and he wasn’t afraid. He was fucking petrified. Whispers of memories threatened at the edges of his thoughts and again Sam slammed back another swallow of the amber liquid trying to ignore the burning sensation on his tongue. Dean would probably kill him tomorrow for finishing the bottle, but at the moment the younger Winchester just did not care.

_We let Lucifer out of the Cage_

No, no that wasn’t right. And it wasn’t **fair!** Against all the odds Sam had rejected and pushed against the devil. Even when it seemed all of creation thought him to be weak, he won. He fought his battle and won. He had said no until there was no other option left, he had said no the one of the oldest beings in the world and even when he did finally say yes—well—

Sam shook his head at his own musings. It didn’t really matter anymore did it? His triumphs were as easily forgotten as his hardships. It was always like that though he supposed, when Dean and Cas said the slate was wiped clean of the past, he guessed they meant everything. No sins, no anger, but no remorse or gratitude either. He tried to take another pull from the bottle but huffed in irritation when he found it empty. Glancing at his bedside clock, Sam noted it was still early and he dropped his head in resignation before pushing himself off of the floor of his bedroom. The room swayed slightly and he held his arms out to steady himself before slowly shuffling towards the door. His hand grasped the knob and he stood there for a moment breathing heavily. He should just leave it, just stay in his sanctuary and ignore the world until morning demanded his presence again. However the lingering ghostly images in his mind forced him to act otherwise.

Steeling himself and preparing for a possible confrontation, he slowly opened his door and inched towards the kitchen. He could hear Rowena’s and Cas’s voices coming from the war room, he reasoned Dean was probably there as well. Feeling more confident, he strode through the hallway, hand lightly skimming the wall to keep balance. The fluorescent lights blinded him briefly as he half stumbled down the steps and made his way to the small cabinet on the other side of the counters. Quietly he procured a new full bottle and was making his way back towards his room, mission half complete. A sick sense of pride welled in his chest, thinking he was about to get away scot-free when the sound of a candy wrapper crinkling behind him made him close his eyes in dread.

‘_Fucking.Great.’_

His hand was already on his door knob, just a quick twist and two steps and he could be alone again, barricaded until his brother would pound on his door demanding his presence. He could practically taste the sour alcohol that was in his hands, promising a few hours of oblivion before being confronted with his nightmare-- again. He tried to force himself to move, to speak, to do something other than stand there like a kid caught with the cookie jar but he just could not get his body to respond.

“Samsquatch—whatcha up to?”

Sam tried to be kind, he really did. After everything that Gabriel went through, he deserved more of an answer that the pissed off teenager vibe Sam was currently in. But really, the young hunter just did not give a damn at the moment.

“What’s it look like Gabriel, getting plastered.” Sam could feel the archangel saunter up next to him, the buzzing across his skin from Gabriel’s grace made his blood pound underneath his skin. He itched to press a thumb across the years old scar on his hand, a habit he has never fully broken himself out of, but he stayed still. Gabriel hummed around the sucker sticking out of his mouth as he grabbed the bottle from Sam’s pliant hands inspecting the label.

“Isn’t that normally Dean-o’s form of coping? I pegged you for more of the—suppress until you explode kinda guy.” Sam gave a pained sort of grimaced smile, avoiding Gabriel’s eyes as he took the bottle back. He finally felt his body responding and opened the door to his room, attempting to flee as soon as possible.

“Yeah well, it’s the Winchester way. If you’ll excuse me.” Sam shut the door in Gabriel’s face, trying to stave off any further conversation. He leaned his forehead against the cool wood for a moment and sighed. Sam felt raw inside, anger still swirled in his gut and he was in no mood to deal with the Trickster. He cracked open the seal on the bottle, ready to take a swallow as he turned to make himself comfortable.

“Thing is—you’ve never been one for the ‘Winchester way’ have you Sammoose?” the alcohol burned in Sam’s nose as he tried not to choke. The archangel was sprawled on his bed, sucker twirling in his fingers, a mischievous glint in his eye. Sam tried to cough the liquid out of his lungs, his eyes stinging from the sudden burn.

“Dammit Gabriel, get--*cough* -- out!” the archangel raised his hands in surrender and chuckled.

“Easy big boy, just thought you’d like some company.” Sam slammed the bottle down on the small table beside his bed and glared. His patience, and temper, held in check tenuously as he heaved deep breaths trying to calm his racing heart.

“I said leave Gabriel.” The arch-pain in the ass-angel popped the sucker back in his mouth and just smiled as he crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged.

“I don’t know Sammich, I’m kinda comfy right here. C’mon, we can gab, watch a movie, braid each other’s fabulous hair—“ Gabriel trailed off as he watched Sam’s face. The man’s eyes seemed to be darting around the room, avoiding his gaze. Hands clenched tightly at his sides. For a brief moment, Gabriel had a flash of sympathy for the hunter and he sat up, vanishing the sucker with a thought.

“Hey, Sam—I didn’t me—“

“Just stop.” Sam’s voice was quiet, his eyes clenched closed tightly as his body seemed to vibrate with emotion. Gabriel licked his lips nervously and slowly stood on the other side of the bed, putting some distance between himself and the pissed off hunter.

“Yeah—yeah ok Sam, I get it. Look, I know you’re scared, but it’ like you told me—we’ve dug ourselves out of our holes right? I know your scared but this is where we mak—“

“I said STOP!” Sam grabbed the bottle of alcohol and lobbed it at the wall behind Gabriel making him flinch. Glass shattered loudly as the liquid sprayed across the room. Sam was breathing heavy now, his eyes wide and wild as they stared at the floor unseeing. Gabriel felt a tremor of fear roll through his body but didn’t dare make a move lest he antagonize the unstable man further. He was quietly praying to Castiel, trying to get the angel and Sam’s brother to come running, to come deal with this obvious drama that Gabriel wanted no part of. He was so focused on how he was going to get out that be almost missed the quiet whisper from Sam.

“None of you get it—“ Gabriel raised his hands slightly and inched his way towards the door.

“Get what Sam?” Sam raised his eyes, stared at Gabriel felt slightly remorseful for the glint of fear he put in the archangel’s eyes.

“This plan, it will back fire. Just like they always do, it’ll always end badly because everything we do always.Ends.Badly. This isn’t about being afraid, I know what to expect from this. This isn’t anything but another cycle of bad choices, bad decisions—and I—“ Sam’s voice choked and he broke eye contact for a moment. He looked at his shaking hands, focusing on the large white scar on the meat of his palm and Gabriel followed his gaze. “I can’t be blamed for it again. This isn’t my choice, this isn’t my plan but because of who I am—who I was—when it falls through it’ll be on me. Because I’m the Vessel, I’m the reason this all started.” Sam looked back at Gabriel with pleading eyes and shook his head. “When does it stop Gabe?”

Gabriel stared at him silently, he watched as the hunter crumbled and sat heavily on the floor, Sam’s back turned and leaning against the bed. He could see the large shoulder slump in defeat as Sam inched his legs up and hid his face behind his bent knees. Gabriel’s original fear and panic melted away as he stared holes into the brunette’s head and he barely acknowledge Cas’s responding prayer, letting the younger angel know everything was fine. Gabriel turned back to look at the liquid mess behind him, glass littered the floor along with the brown liquid and he snapped his fingers quickly to clean up the mess. Slowly, Gabriel walked around the bed and eased onto the floor beside Sam, knees barely touching as he mimicked the other man’s seated position. They sat like that for a few minutes, neither spoke or looked at the other until Gabriel raised a tentative hand and placed it on Sam’s shoulder.

“Talk to me Sam.” Sam raised his head, eyes forward, staring blankly at the wall.

“It’s stupid.”

“Tell me anyway?” Gabriel tried for hopeful, tried to make his voice light and welcoming as he waited for the man next to him to open up. After another breath Sam slowly turned his gaze to Gabriel.

“Cas said we let Lucifer out of the Cage—that he never stopped being our responsibility—but—I said no. I kept saying know and was willing to say no until the end of time if I had to, I can’t take this responsibility—not again.” Gabriel kept still and silent, waiting for Sam to continue. His thumb rubbed soft comforting circles on the hunter’s shoulder, silently urging him to continue.

“When—when I was freed from the cage, really freed—I didn’t expect life to be perfect you know? I knew shit was still going to keep happening but for a short time it felt normal. There was no, apocalypse to avert, no evil archangel trying to possess me—for a while it was just, life. Then Cas let out the leviathans, Dean went to purgatory—the trials, the Mark, Amara—and now this? Just—when does it stop being my responsibility?”

Gabriel didn’t know what to say, he’d heard of the misadventures of the Winchesters while with Asmodeus, then another run through when his grace was resupplied through the angel grapevine. He knew the life they had led so far and a few times he felt sorry for the humans. But he also knew a lot of their history was from their own poor choices, he knew there were things the youngest still blamed himself for, and other things people held him responsible for. Gabriel sighed inwardly and shifted his seat, letting his hand fall from Sam’s shoulder.

“I’ll tell you what kiddo, compared to all my eons roaming your Earth, this past decade has really, and I mean **really** taken the cake for fucked up shit. And I know you know, some of that shit is actually on you.” Sam made a noncommittal noise and Gabriel continued. “All three of you, Dean, Castiel, and you Sam, made some fucked up choices and I tried to tell you; I tried to steer you away from all that but you wouldn’t listen.” Gabriel could see the anger starting to boil again in Sam’s eyes and hurried to speak again before he could explode.

“But that doesn’t mean you’ve only done bad Sam. Think back on how much good you have done with the world. You’ve made your choices Sam and you’ve lived and died, multiple times might I add, by them. It could stop being your responsibility whenever you want technically, but you’re not that kind of man Sam. You’re a good man and a great hunter. Cas is wrong to say Lucifer is your responsibility because he isn’t, not really. He’s Dad’s responsibility but Dad is too much of a chicken shit to do anything about it. You aren’t.” Sam let his gaze drop and he took a deep breath.

“I’m so tired Gabe.” Sensing the tension had passed, Gabriel shifted a little closer to the hunter and draped his arm around the hunched shoulders. Gently coaxing, Gabriel got Sam to lean into the embrace as he rested his chin on top of the young Winchester’s head. He squeezed the trembling shoulder in support as he tried to expel waves of calmness and understanding.

“I know kiddo, I know.”


End file.
